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Trumpty Dumpty Sat On A Wall

July 1, 2017

I am due to be up in 4 hours, and instead of sleeping, I find myself staring at this infernal screen wondering what kind of hideous forces have conspired to keep me up tonight. Every single time I close my eyes, I see Sarah Huckabee Sanders standing in front of me. One eye aimed slightly off center, and the other looking at god knows what. I never thought I’d say this in a million years, but I wish the human potato Sean Spicer would climb out of whatever bush he’s hiding in and save us all from this Goonies-esque fucking monster that has taken his place. Apparently the only qualification to be Trump’s press secretary is a willingness to yell incoherently and throw Alex Jones like facial expressions out into the cosmos. I shudder at the fact that right now, a whole bunch of babies are being born in this country whose first words will more than likely be “FAKE NEWS.” This is what happens when you allow Uncle Father’s to marry their Daughter Nieces. Yes, I just went there Trumptards. You are more than welcome to fire a few shots in return. By shots I mean insults just in case any of you brainiacs had fantasies of going all Rambo in a pizza joint. You ask why you should have to justify your support of this goofy haired wombat. My response is this: for years you nutballs have demanded that people like me justify our belief in not voting for our own oppression. Not fun now that the shoe is on the other foot is it? It’s okay though, I’m not going to make you answer. The last thing I’d want you to do is put your foot in your mouth and give yourself a horrendous case of athletes tongue. Instead I’m going to sit here and insult you endlessly, you hairless, dickless, turtles. If I had a dollar for every brain cell you idiots have in your head, I’d be on welfare. It takes a special kind of dumb to support someone who is going to fuck you six ways to Sunday. But hey, what do I know, I didn’t graduate from the Alex Jones School of Crackpots. Speaking of crackpots, I couldn’t figure out why Jeff Sessions looked so familiar until I saw an episode of King of the Hill. Suddenly Hank’s dad makes so much more sense. Now I know what you tools are thinking. “Why is this asshole making fun of us?” Simple. You deserve it. You run around yelling snowflake at anything or anyone that doesn’t drive a monster truck and wear overalls. This is hilarious considering the fact that the giant nutsack that you elected president happens to be the biggest snowflake of them all. He’s a $2 hooker in a ten thousand dollar suit. The man is one of the greatest carnival barkers in history, and you schmucks bought his sales pitch hook line and sinker. You know what’s making America great again? Nothing. We have officially become the passed out guy at the frat party that everyone draws permanent marker dicks on. The world is laughing at us because we have a 70 year old man child as our president.  “Oh sure, like you’re contributing anything productive.” I never said I was. At this point, I’m standing on the outside watching this train wreck with a bowl of popcorn in one hand and a middle finger extended on the other. The only thing I had to lose this past election was the last shred of respect I had for the public.

Fucking hell, look what you bastards have gone and made me do. I’ve been so busy making fun of your sister wives and outhouse weddings that I forgot what my original point was. Have no fear though, this is the age of revisionist history, so as far as Im concerned, the last paragraph never happened. I’m just going to drag out my cardboard cutout of Sarah Huckabee Sanders and yell fake news for the next hour. That should pretty much cover it. By the way, how can you function with one eye looking straight ahead, and the other one looking at Neptune? God forbid I ever run into her in public. I can see it now: “Look me in the eyes and apologize!” Geez, I would if your other eye wasn’t too busy staring at the moon. Yeah I know, I took the low hanging fruit on that one but you know what? God is her guide so I’m sure he’ll lead her into paradise, provided her funky eyes don’t lead her into a tree first.

Well, there is nowhere for this piece to go but up at the current moment. I’m kinda thinking it won’t happen, but let’s give it a shot shall we? The whole point to this three paragraph insult, is to show that this whole calling people snowflakes thing is absolutely retarded. If any of you Tangerine Dream supporters are still reading, I’d imagine you are creating a list of insults to fire back. Which, is hardly surprising. After all, we have a sitting president who instead of actually leading, spends his time insulting people on twitter when they say things he doesn’t like. The leader of the United States is so thin skinned, that all you have to do is go on television and say something he disagrees with, and he has a meltdown. By your very definition, he fits the mold of a snowflake. To run around yelling “cry some more snowflake” when the very guy you supports has a temper tantrum every ten minutes is about as hypocritical and stupid as it gets. So before you get all “fuck you libtard snowflake” on me, just remember that I am doing nothing that your savior hasn’t already done every day since Inauguration Day.

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