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Confessions from the Emotional Cellar

May 26, 2017

“My biggest weakness is my sensitivity. I am too sensitive a person.” – Mike Tyson

What a wonderfully weird fucking thing for a guy who bit off another guy’s ear to say.  The sad fact of the matter, is that I’m right there with him. I’ve always been a highly sensitive/emotional guy. Which, is a shit thing to be when we live in a society where John Wayne is considered the ideal American guy. I remember being at military school my 7th grade year standing in my TO’s office in tears after watching the kid in the room across from me get stomped like a lizard by 5 other kids. He asked me why I was in tears and I said it was because the kid was screaming in pain and I felt bad for him. My tactical officer, without missing a beat, said: “Williamson, you’re either a pussy or a fag, right now I’m having trouble figuring out which one it is.” That was when my first wall went up.  Unfortunately, it only got worse the older I got. As a kid you don’t understand societal norms. As you get older though, certain things stick out. Like, men are not supposed to be emotional. That shit is best left in the kitchen with the women, cause fuck acting human.

My father was not a very emotional man at all. We rarely hugged, it was always a handshake and a “Fare thee well, lad” or “See you tomorrow, young man.” But behind the formality of that handshake, I also felt love. He may not have been good at expressing it, but it was always there. I, on the other hand, emote all over the fucking place. I feel bad for Shelby sometimes, because I mush all over her. It’s not that I’m trying to win her over (already have) but the kind of love I feel for her is so ridiculously strong that that’s how it gets expressed. Which, is funny as hell sometimes, because she is a lot like my dad in the emotional category. The running joke between us is that I’m the chick and she’s the dude. And that brings me to the point of this whole mess. Why do we as a society insist that men be John Wayne and nothing less? Yeah sometimes I cry during tv shows or movies, but I also spent years boxing and could split your head like a coconut. So what? In the long run that means nothing. What matters, and this is where things get confusing for me, is who they are as people and what contributions they make to society. How can you place a guy like “The Duke” on a pedestal when he basically shit on an entire race of people by saying they (Natives) deserved to lose their land because whitey needed it more? Yes, that seems exactly like the kind of character I would want my son to be.

I hate the following word because there is such a social stigma to it, but the word is Empath. It’s a word that a lot of people consider to be bullshit but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s real. I can walk into a room fully energized, and 20 minutes later be so emotionally drained that I can’t function. Every time I walk into a crowd of people, it’s like walking into an emotional brick wall. I get hit with everything. Going to funerals is my least favorite thing to do on this planet. Not because it’s sad and I’ve lost someone in my life (thats part of it) but because the waves of emotion are never ending. They are relentless and it changes from person to person. I’ve kept this part of me hidden for so many years that it’s now starting to keep me up at night. Hence the reason I’m verbally throwing up on you today. Despite what I should feel, I am ashamed to be this way. I grew up in a society that beat up kids like me because we were “pussies” or “fags.”  I got into at least one fight, usually two, on a daily basis at military school because of this very thing. On the other hand, I don’t do emotions anything short of 100% warp speed. The love I’m capable of feeling is so intense that it gives me a natural high that can last for days, if I’m lucky, sometimes even weeks. Same with every other emotion we are capable of. Yes, I wound easily. I’d rather be stabbed a thousand times with a swiss army knife (death by a thousand cuts) than have someone I love (family, friend, wife) be mad at me. You could beat me within an inch of my life and I’d find a way to take it, but one short sentence from a loved one can cripple me.

It’s an interesting time to be a highly sensitive person these days. The foghorns all blaring out of Trumplandia these days all blast the same one note song: “Snowflake!” I find the term an interesting one given that under the right circumstances (namely being inside watching through the window next to a fireplace) snowflakes can create the most amazing sights. If this piece of self indulgent vomiting gets me labeled a snowflake, so be it. I’m done hiding this part of me. This is the 4th time I’ve gotten deeply personal since The Bastards started up 5-6 years ago. This will more than likely be the last as you don’t read these to “learn” about me. I can promise you that there will be a return to form soon. Until then: Fuck your feelings  😀

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  1. Kris permalink

    Well, that’s great. We should all post online in regards to personal things. I find it super rewarding and way less disrespectful this way.

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