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A Brief History of Narwhals and Why You Shouldn’t Give A Fuck

February 4, 2017

Alright kids, pull your chairs up to the fireplace here while Uncle CJ puts his storyteller hat on. After all, it’s cold as shit outside and there’s nothing better to do. Today’s lesson is about the majestic beast we all know as the narwhal. If you listen to sponge headed freaks like Mike Pence, they’ll tell you that Narwhal’s have always existed. Well, for the last 6,000 years anyway, because fuck science and logic. The fact of the matter, is that one sunshiny day, a whale was swimming close to shore when he spotted a Unicorn in the distance. No, this isn’t the same unicorn that Kim Jong Il’s great great great Emperor grandfather rode or fucked or whatever it is he allegedly did. This is just a plain old unicorn, sitting on a patch of grass by the ocean. Well this catches the whales attention. After a little back and forth, the whale mounts the unicorn and fucks that horny horse until the goddamn stars fall from the sky. A few months later, *bam* the unicorn gives birth to a horned whale. Thus the narwhal came into existence. Yes it’s a bullshit story, but these days who cares? Truth is lies in this, the great Empire of Fuckballery. The only real truth remaining in this country, is that we have fucked up this entire system in hilarious fashion. I believe it was John Adams that said “No democracy has ever lasted longer than 250 years.” Well, thanks a lot, John. We are at 240 and goddamn have we blown this fucker out of the water in spectacular fashion.

I really wish reanimation was a thing so that I could bring back the Founding Fathers. I’d sit them down in front of their faithful and laugh my ass off as they start to realize that everything they had imagined for this country has been dropped in a vat of acid. Fuck King George III, we are living in the age of Trump and Adolph Bannon. Try throwing a tea party today in Boston Harbor, and the cold black boot of government fuckery will stomp you like a lizard. There is no place in this America for noble patriotism bubba. You either fall in line or it’s the stockade for you, Peggy Sue. So, what do you do in times like this? When the future seems so bleak that even Van Morrison can’t write lyrics dark enough? Simple, kids. Step back, take a deep breath, and laugh your ass off.

I honestly have no fucking idea what Narwhals had to do with this except that Kellyanne Conway kinda looks like one. Which is fitting, because when I think of a creature that has sold it’s soul to the devil while lying about it the entire way down to hell, she fits the bill. The amazing thing to me about her role in this charade, is that in the primaries she talked about how immoral and disgusting Donald Trump was. Funny how money can change your opinion in a hurry. I remember the days when we used to make fun of Baghdad Bob. Remember that fucking guy? He was the yahoo in Iraq that kept saying the US had been driven out of Baghdad at precisely the same time US jets were landing in Baghdad airport. We laughed because his claims were so outlandish and so far from the truth, that you couldn’t help but laugh every time he opened his mouth. Fast forward 14 years and suddenly we have a whole fucking White House full of Baghdad Bob’s. Only this time no one is laughing. Well, except for those of us who saw this kinda shit coming from a mile away.

It’s a bitter pill to swallow, but we now live in the age of Alternative Facts. I could go outside and tell you that the sky is blue. Two hours later that angry dwarf Sean Spicer could hold a press conference, tell you the sky is green, and suddenly millions of water headed Americans would agree with him. Congratulations, America, you have officially put Idiocracy to shame. I keep asking myself how the fuck we got here, but you know what? It doesn’t matter. Ya’ll didn’t listen the first time around, I have a hard time believing you’ll listen this time. So my only advice to you is to not give a fuck, and make sure you water your plants with Brawndo three times a day. Why? Because it has what plants crave.

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