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Sam Adams Rides the Bomb to Hell

February 3, 2017

It is currently 20 degrees out here in the Mitten, which is about 220 degrees warmer than Ann Coulter’s heart. Jesus…I didn’t last one sentence without getting personal, and why should I? That’s how the world works these days. There’s no civil discourse anymore. Fuck no, this is America, this is where a differing opinion is cause to call someone’s wife a horse fucker. It’s also the country where we have decided that unless protests are on sidewalks, far away from businesses, and basically consist of people just standing around holding signs, that they are evil and nonsensical. I, for one, am thankful that Sam Adams held neat orderly protests near the docks in 1773. God knows what kind of hell might have broken loose had he and his merry band of thugs decided to loot and riot…or at the very least dump a bunch of tea in the harbor. I’m also thankful that King George III took a look at those neat “Tax is Whack” signs they were peacefully protesting with, and came to his senses. Now that I think about it, I’m really pretty happy that Martin Luther King jr didn’t shut down any highways during the Civil Rights march. I mean, can you imagine the outcry if a bunch of black people protesting racism shut down highways leaving people with no way to get to work? Surely they would have been justified in just running those motherfuckers over. Also can’t forget Kent State. Thank god the National Guard was there to take down those hippy bastards. After all, the American Motto is: War is Sell. Can’t have a bunch of dirtballs fucking that racket up with their tree hugging crap.

Fucking hell…I’m fully invested in this piece now and I have absolutely no idea what it’s about. The stupidity of Americans? The laughable idea that people quote the founding fathers while in the same breath bitching about people protesting on freeways? Maybe I should just make this a piece of revisionist history. After all, alternative facts are the lay of the land now. Why, just yesterday, Kellyanne Conway stepped out of whatever coffin she lives in and braved the sunlight to tell the American people that the reason for the mulim refuge ban was due to the Bowling Green Massacre. Yes, a terrorist attack that NEVER happened. She claimed that most people don’t know about it because the media never covered it. Then…because that isn’t fucking weird enough, she tweeted out an apology with a link from a MEDIA source, covering the arrest of two terrorists who were suspected of being bomb makers. So, not only was there no massacre, but her apology tweet completely contradicted her statement about the media not covering it. Like, what the fuck? Is this really the reality we are in? Are people truly stupid enough to believe this “alternative fact” bullshit? I truly believe that Donald Trump could step outside the White House gates, shoot 15 people, and be celebrated for it. Sean Spicer would trot himself out and admonish the media for making it a negative story. His supporters would tweet out hillbilly bullshit like “It’s about time we had a badass in the White House!” Kellyanne Conway would take a break from her vampirical duties and inform the country that fake news had it wrong, that Trump saw a threat outside the White House and handled it himself like a true patriotic American.

Some people say I should care about this, others say don’t bother. Honestly, I’m in the middle of popping up a massive bowl of popcorn so I have a snack while watching you fuckers try to deal with this new reality. We tried warning you about this 5-6 years ago and all you did was call us crazy. Well, you certainly got us didn’t you? Enjoy your totalitarian terror, because this blood is on your hands.

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