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Welcome to Planet Motherfucker

November 18, 2016

Greetings, Bastards!  It is I, your dutiful scribe and all around general nuisance. One day after lamenting my lack of anger  at recent events, I have risen from the tomb of apathy. I’ve been flipping through my rolodex of douchebags and wondering which Roman ass I should kick first. Given how the last 9 days have played out, I think that first ass will belong to our new Oompa-Loompa Elect, Donald J. Trump. Anyone that has followed anything we have done as The Bastards knows full well how hard I was on Barack Obama. Well, strap in Trump supporters, because from now on, Donald J is going to be front and center. If you think I’m going to give him a break because he’s an “outsider” and “Anti-establishment”, you don’t know me very well. If anything, I’m going to hold him to ridiculous standards. Why? Because he’s an asshole. Think about this: We knew what we were getting with Obama. Just another smooth talking wiindigo (thanks Steve) asshole who would continue the worst of the Bush policies and continue bombing the Middle East because why the fuck not. Orange Julius Caesar on the other hand…this motherfucker comes out of Reality TV Land boasting that he’s the greatest and the best. Only he can solve the problems and only he knows what those solutions are. The Greatest Man the Universe has ever seen has promised to be a President for ALL Americans of ALL races/creeds/genders. He then tabs the most anti-gay politician in the country to be his Vice President, he throws Stephen Bannon, a man who the KKK has called the voice of the Alt Right, as his Chief Strategist, tabs THE HEAD OF THE REPUBLICAN COMMITTEE as his Chief of Staff, and has currently interviewed Ted Cruz, Rudy Giuliani, Nikki Haley, and Mitt Romney for cabinet positions. Really? If that is what being Anti-Establishment is all about, someone needs to do some ass kicking at Webster’s because they have the definition wrong.

All campaign long we had to listen to the human version of the Annoying Orange talk about how a Trump Presidency would mean that trying to find an establishment politician in DC would be akin to a real life game of Where’s Waldo. Remember that? The whole Drain the Swamp tag line? How’s this for Drain the Swamp…yesterday, Figurehead in Chief  Trump met with…Henry Kissinger. How much more establishment can you get?? If Nixon was Darth Vader, Kissinger was the fucking Emperor. That’s like me saying “I refuse to deal with Christians” and then having lunch with the Pope. I realize a lot of you voted for Trump because he tapped into that vein of anger that has been boiling through you for the last 8 years, but you just got played. You have been Okie doked, bamboozled, taken for a ride, I could go on for days. Need more proof? Here’s who your savior is trying to get for Secretary of Treasury: Jamie Dimon. Remember him? CEO at Wells Fargo when shit hit the fan? Now currently head of JP Morgan? You know…a FUCKING ESTABLISHMENT GUY! How long did Trump talk about the corrupt ways of Hillary Clinton? Every 30 seconds or so? She couldn’t be president because she and her foundation were corrupt and paid for by bankers. Now Trump wants to put a corrupt banker in as Treasury Secretary? Really? How the fuck did you people not see through this?

When history looks back at 2016 they will say two things. 1. 2016 was the year that White Nationalists were given a voice in the White House. 2. 2016 was the year that the American People got P.T. Barnumed by a turkey dog in a thousand dollar suit. Now, the thing that cracks me up to no end, are his staunchest supporters who see this not as a backtrack on campaign promises, but as a sign that Donald Trump is willing to work with others to make the country great again. That would be commendable…if he didn’t spend 18 goddamn months talking about draining the swamp and wiping out the establishment. Now you can sit there and say…”You know, CJ, he could be an amazing president.” Yes, he could. I doubt it, but stranger things have happened. That being said, he was elected because he promised to drive the rats out of the village. The days of corruption and Banker rule in DC would be over. Now he’s filling his cabinet with them. All election long I heard “His words don’t matter, watch his actions.” I have been watching closely, and so far he’s done nothing but backtrack and do the exact opposite of what he ran on. Which, given the shit that has bubbled to the surface because of his campaign, is worse than if he had run like a normal politician.

Welcome to Planet Motherfucker, Trump supporters. It’s going to be a long four years, but at least you won’t be alone in your bitter disappointment.

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