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The Rise of the Suckfish Pt 4

June 13, 2016

There is a Chinese expression out there that goes a little something like this: nìng wéi tàipíng quǎn, mò zuò luàn lí rén.  Roughly translated, it means “Better to be a dog in a peaceful time, than to be a human in a chaotic period.” After watching my dog lick her ass for the better part of a minute this morning, I’m beginning to think there is great truth to that. If one were judging solely on stories in the news this week, one could be forgiven for thinking that there is not a single redeeming quality about the human race. We have people worried about who uses what bathroom, because apparently Trans people haven’t ever had to use a bathroom until five months ago. We have people complaining about “the gay agenda” and all the evils that brings about. The idea of two women or two men in love with each other is definitely the definition of evil…if you’re a half wit blob fish like Pat Robertson.  On top of all that stupidity, some of you hairless apes have even managed to let Donald Trump convince you he’s anti-establishment? Seriously? The last 8 years all I’ve heard was “If you fell for Hope and Change, you’re a fool!” Now I’m seeing a bunch of you quacking camel dicks wearing “Make America Great Again” hats. Apparently all this country has to do, is throw out some generic slogan, and watch as the people become zombified voters. I don’t support any politician including Gary Johnson, but at least “Feel the Johnson” is consistent with what election season is all about…screwing us all to kingdom come.

I promised myself that I wouldn’t touch on Donald Trump at all this year. Unfortunately, he has brought the worst that this country has to offer to the forefront. It is now the year 2016. Humans have been on this planet for about 200,000 years give or take a few. How is it that in an age when all the information in the world is literally a push of a button away, we are still so goddamn uncivilized? Do you have any idea how goddamn ridiculous it sounds to walk around bragging about building a wall? Did the US suddenly become a giant country sized castle? Should we fill up the Grand Canyon as a moat so King Javier’s Mexican’s can’t invade our walls and do unspeakable things to our women and children? I got it! How about we take all the people on welfare (they’re fucking useless anyway from what you keep telling me) and dress them up in Armor and have them stand on top of the castle wall and shout insults down to the people below. Jesus fuck, we are one “Strange Women Lying in Ponds Distributing Swords” party away from being a Monty Python sketch. Why not just change the Kentucky Derby to a bunch of short fuckers dressed like Christmas Trees running around banging coconuts together.

You goddamn swine…now you’ve got me all riled up. How fucking DARE you sit there and talk to me about how the country is going to hell when you support a guy who was so close to Bill Clinton, he might as well have been wearing a blue dress. You seriously think this election is any different? You think they’d actually let a non establishment guy get through? Ron Paul is a perfect example of what happens to anti establishment peeps that get popular. And don’t even start the whole “If you don’t vote for Trump, Hilary will win.” You know what? You fucking deserve Hilary Clinton after being hoodwinked by this glorified carnival barker. You actually think there is a good choice in this election? Have you not fucking paid attention the last 20 years? “But Donald Trump speaks his mind!” You know who else speaks his mind? Pat Robertson. It doesn’t make him any less of a nutball. “But he’ll ban Muslims, it’ll keep us safe.” Funny, last Friday you nutballs were grieving over one of the greatest Muslims to ever walk the face of the Earth. I guess that’s different though right? You fuckers are the reason I do drugs.

Now, lest you get offended because my “Liberal biased ass” isn’t pounding on Clinton, I have a few words for her supporters as well. HOW?? How the fuck can you get behind this nutball?!?! “If you don’t vote for Hilary, Trump will win.” Jesus fucking christ. That’s what this whole election boils down to. These two are such shitty fucking candidates that the only thing motivating voters this year is that the other candidate might be just a bit worse. Well done, America. You have officially reached the point of public/political irrelevance. Seriously Hilary fans, how is it possible to vote for this woman without having to drink heavily to erase your guilty conscience? We’re talking about a woman who, as an attorney, successfully defended a rapist by attacking the victim incessantly in court and then later bragged about how she knew he was guilty. “She was just doing her job!” Really, was she just doing her job when she got caught on live television saying “We came, we saw, he died” and laughing after the death of Muammar Gaddafi? This is a woman who 13 years ago said she didn’t believe gay marriage should be legal. Now she’s suddenly a champion for gay rights? The fuck is wrong with you people? From where I’m standing, you and the fucking Trump supporters deserve each other.

Jesus, not exactly the way I wanted to start my Monday, but what we want and what we get are usually two different things. I wish I had good news for you, but the Suckfish has officially risen, and we are all worse off because of it.

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