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The Sarcastic Bastard’s Guide to Surviving the Holidays

December 12, 2014

Greetings Bastards! I apologize for my lack of communication the last 4 months, but my fiancée has been dealing with some severe health issues so my focus has been on her. However, once again we are in the middle of “Holiday Season” and the Wars On Xmas, Atheists, Santa, and Wal-Mart are in full bloom. Therefore, I decided to give you guys a few quick tips on dealing with all the craziness so that your holiday, or lack thereof, is a happy and safe one. So, without further ado, let’s get started.

1. Happy Holidays or Merry Christmas: The annual bitchfest over political correctness is in full swing. People are taking a stand when it comes to addressing people in public during holiday season. The Merry Xmas supporters are all saying “Jesus is the reason for the season so fuck you if you get offended by MERRY CHRISTMAS”. The Happy Holidays crew on the other hand are running around saying “Christianity isn’t the only religion in this country so fuck you if you get offended by HAPPY HOLIDAYS!” To avoid being caught up in this disaster, you need to act with clear precision. If an 83 year old Nun passes you on the street and wishes you a Merry Christmas, you stop, look her straight in the eyes, and tell her to eat a dick. If some joyous freak bounds up to you at the mall and wishes you a Happy Holiday, you kick them in the nuts and say “It is now…bitch.”

2. Family Gatherings and Politics: Rare is the holiday family gathering that doesn’t wade into the cesspool that is politics. As an Anarchist, this is seriously dangerous territory for me because it always ends with my family staring at me, mouths open, like I’m some sort of strange creature they’ve never seen before. Therefore, this year I’ve made about 17 flyers that promote the Warren City Neo Nazi party and lists me as the President. I guarantee that they will be so unhinged by it that the topic of politics will never be brought up out of fear that I will give them my best Hitler impression. Feel free to follow suit should you feel the need to. If your family is Jewish even better.

3. That ONE Guy: Every family has one. That one crazy fuck Uncle or Cousin that you’d swear has bodies buried under their house. You know, the guy that sits off in the corner and stares at you all night. This year you can avoid this creeperson with three easy steps. 1. As soon as he steps through the door offer to get him a drink. 2. Drop an all-natural sleep aid pill into said drink and let dissolve. 3. Enjoy the rest of your day/night while the creepy bastard snores away in the corner.

There you have it. Follow these three tips and you should have a worry free holiday season. Either that or you’ll end up in the hospital. Regardless, at least it will be a holiday to remember.

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