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I’ve Got Your OCD Right Here!

September 9, 2014

Greeting Bastards! I wish I was writing to you in a much happier mood, but as is usually the case, I overdosed on human interaction today and I am worse off because if it. At any rate, let’s throw the formalities out the fucking window. You know me, and I know you, and what you expect from me, and I promise you, I will not disappoint today. You see, there’s a little secret I’ve been keeping from you guys, and that’s that Shannon (my fiancée for those new to the party) suffers from Extreme OCD and severe anxiety. No big deal right? A lot of people have anxiety and what not. The reason I bring it up, is because some doofy chick over at the Elephant Journal decided to write an article about “10 Reasons You Should Date A Girl with OCD.” I am going to list her 10 reasons in bold and then I am going to crucify each and every reason. Mainly because this half wit clownfish makes it sound like it’s an easy thing to do. She completely discounts the work and hardships that come with it. In doing so, she really does a disservice to those with OCD. If a guy has no idea what OCD entails and thinks he’s just going to have a neat freak on his hands, it sets them both up for heartbreak and disappointment. So without further ado, let me take Ax to ass…

1. Date a girl with OCD because your living space will always be meticulously clean—and you won’t have to lift a finger!: Holy fuck…okay, I get that people with OCD are clean and neat, but here’s the thing, when the OCD is so bad that it exhausts them to no end, there is no meticulous cleaning because the person with OCD is too busy trying not to lose their shit because there are four apples in the fridge instead of three. Once something is off…it throws everything off.

2.Date a girl with OCD because you can rest assured that you will not be contracting any strange illnesses from her: I get it, a person with OCD constantly goes to their doctor and makes sure they do everything to keep those evil little germs away. However, what happens if the person with OCD can’t go outside because everything is wrong? What if, instead of waking up at 8:03, they accidentally wake up at 8:04 and because 4 is a bad number they obsess about it and have a massive panic attack to the point that they can’t leave the house because something bad will happen? Didn’t mention that did ya Sarah? No fucking no can’t mention that bad side of it, let’s just lead people on to thinking that OCD isn’t bad. What’s your next fool ass statement?

3. Date a girl with OCD because the doors will always be locked and the appliances safely turned off. : Yeah, about that, I get the whole obsessing over doors and appliances, but in my case it’s up to me to do it why? Because once Shannon does it, she needs me to double check it otherwise it isn’t safe. If both of us know that the doors and appliances are off, then they must be off, but if only one person checks, they could make a mistake and bad things could happen. So yes, date an OCD chick because the doors will be locked.

4. Date a girl with OCD because you will never sleep through an alarm, forget an anniversary or shirk an obligation.: Finally, you get something somewhat right. I have never slept through an alarm because Shannon is meticulous about making sure alarms are set. However, I refer you to #2. While Shannon is meticulous it doesn’t mean things are safe. In her case, 3 and 5 are safe (or magic) numbers. 4 on the other hand is a bad number that can literally derail the entire day.

5. Date a girl with OCD because she is a perfectionist and she knows that perfectionism is not always desirable. : The reasoning behind this is that a chick with OCD needs you to let her know that it’s okay to be imperfect. That she doesn’t have to follow her routine by the numbers. This jabbering Yahoo makes it sound so easy. Right, just tell her she doesn’t have to follow her routine and it will all be fine, at least until the panic attacks and tears start. Seriously this fucking woman makes it sound like the easiest thing in the world.

6. Date a girl with OCD because she is loyal.: Her idea here is that the OCD person will be loyal because they depend on you. What she doesn’t tell you is that sometimes that entails you not having a social life at all. There are times that Shan’s OCD and Anxiety will get so bad, that I literally can’t go anywhere until the numbers are right and the world is right because if I leave, bad things will happen. Sometimes, that takes weeks.

7. Date a girl with OCD because chances are she is wicked smart and her intellect will never let a conversation get boring.: When Shan’s OCD and Anxiety aren’t derailing her, she is one of the smartest people I know. When her OCD and anxiety act up though, she rarely talks

8. Date a girl with OCD because she will introduce you to a world you never knew existed: Let me explain something right now, none of the following is a knock on Shannon, it is just an example of what it’s like to live with someone who has OCD. The chick that wrote the article decided that being with an OCD person can unlock marvels of the Universe. The truth, is that on the really good days, you are too exhausted to go exploring because the bad days are so wicked.

9. Date a girl with OCD because we all have a fear of failure, a desire to appear perfect and insecurities that run deep. :  I see her point here

10. And finally, date a girl with OCD because she has a sense of humor. : When they aren’t freaking out because the world is wrong, yes, they have an amazing sense of humor.

I realize this sounds a bit bitter, but the truth of the matter is that living with someone who has OCD is nowhere near as rosy as this dinglehopper makes it sound. It takes a whole lot of dedication and time and understanding. This chick is doing a great disservice to both people with OCD and the people who are with them. In a perfect world she’d be smacked with a salmon and thrown into the ocean.

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