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Escape from the Prison Planet or Why Gene Simmons and Henry Rollins are Dbags

August 22, 2014

I’m going to do something today that I never thought I’d ever do in a Bastards piece. I’m going to open myself up entirely for better or for worse and let you take a glimpse at something I’ve kept hidden for many, many years. Before I do that though, I want to get into the reason of why I am doing this. Recently. famed actor/comedian Robin Williams committed suicide after years of struggling with depression. In typical human race fashion, Douchebags like Henry Rollins and Gene (I’m no longer relevant) Simmons came out and bashed anyone that would even consider suicide. Rollins has decided that everything Robin Williams has ever done is now tainted and he now looks at him with disdain. Interesting. From every report/personal account/eyewitness encounter I’ve seen/read about Robin Williams, there is one main constant: Robin Williams is a genuinely amazing human being. Henry Rollins and Gene Simmons would like to discount that fact and say that because he killed himself his actions and his legacy are tainted and void. SInce these two whale dicked jackasses have given their two cents worth, I’m going to take my entire change jar and bash them in the testicles with it.

Here’s what Hank and That makeup guy don’t understand: These feelings aren’t something you can switch on and off at will. You can take meds for them sure, but NOTHING takes it away for good. It hounds you in your sleep, while you’re awake, at work, at home, during meals, taking showers…no place is safe from stuff like this. It haunts you kind of like I imagine Gene Simmons solo album haunts him. How do I know this? Because, for 35 (in one week) years I have struggled to exist in public. Being out in public terrifies me, it drains all the energy out of me, and it makes life quite unbearable. Fortunately, I’ve been able to craft a mask that I wear on a daily basis. It consists of false emotions, false smiles, and most importantly, false ideas about suicide being cowardly.

When I was in high school, I was admitted to a psych ward for suicidal thoughts. When they released me, the doctor put me on a set of meds that made me so violent I ended up throwing a coffee table at my mother and pulling a knife on my dad. The quality of life that this kind of madness leads to, is not a good one. I make the most of it, and for the most part I do quite well. In fact, I’d say compared to most people with this, I’m almost normal. However, that escape route is always in the back of my head. I know that one day, I might wake up and be so terrified of leaving the house and having to deal with people that I will just stay inside. At that point my quality of life becomes nothing.

If one looks at Maslow’s Heirarchy of Needs, one can understand the problems people like me are faced with. The pyramid is made up of layers. The foundation is Physiological needs i.e. Water, food, shelter etc.. I have the bottom level covered that is not an issue for me. The next level up is Security. This means security of health, body, employment. I do not have some of these. That’s okay though because I’ve always made do and safety isn’t something I’m all that concerned with. Still according to Maslow, it counts for something. The level up from that is Love/Belonging: I have some of this covered, but love for me is a hard thing to feel. When you don’t like people and you don’t like being around them, it is very hard to make that bond with anyone….even family. The next level up is Self-Esteem. You can pretty much cross that off because I have ZERO self esteem. I have done plenty of things that should lead to self esteem but I have none. I think very little of myself and always end up surprised when someone else doesn’t feel the same way. At the very top of the Heirarchy is Self Actualization: This is only the 2nd thing on this pyramid that I have in abundance. Unfortunately in the importance factor, it rates low on the scale (hence being small and at the top) Maslow had a theory that if every level of the Heirarchy (he didnt use pyramids) was not met, it would lead to anxiety and tenseness, or what he referred to as deficiencies.

I was diagnosed with depression in high school and well up into my 20’s I took meds for it. Unfortunately, the meds always made me feel worse and brought the specter of suicide closer and closer. Now, I medicate myself with writing and with activism. It keeps my mind busy and it makes me feel at least somewhat productive. Suicide is always in the back of my mind and it always will be, because one day I may desperately need an exit door, and I know that no matter what, that will always be an option. Now, this doesn’t mean that it will happen. I’ve survived cancer twice, meningitis once, been shot at, had a knife pulled on me, and nearly got killed in a car accident. I have survived many things and I plan on living long enough to survive many many more. That being said, the day I can no longer deal with this in a productive manner, I will have outlived any quality of life. Robin Williams understood that and so did Hunter S. Thompson. Unfortunately, it’s the ignorance of people like Gene Simmons and Henry Rollins that make our daily struggle that much harder.

To finish this horrid mess up, I’d like to say that you can say whatever you want about depression, anxiety, and mental illness, but until you live it on a daily basis, your opinion counts for shit. Henry Rollins and Gene Simmons are applauded for speaking their minds about something they don’t really understand and as far as I’m concerned that shows just how far we have to go in this world as far as mental illness understanding. I may seem like a freak to some after this, but at least I acknowledge my fake smile and my fake laugh…those of who you refuse to take the mask off, even for an instant, are the truly freaky ones.

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2 Comments
  1. As someone that also dealt with depression you are SPOT freaking ON! The only thing that kept me from taking my own life after finding out that my husband of 24 years was leaving me for the adulterous fornicating whore that lived behind us was the fact that 9 months earlier my own father took his life because he was physically ill with cancer. I saw what suicide did up close and personal to my family and I did not want to do that to my children. It is not a choice I like to see people make and it saddens me that Mr Williams chose that exit but as you said ” but until you live it on a daily basis” they will never know.

    • I’m so sorry I didn’t see this earlier. For whatever reason, I just got the notification of this comment an hour ago. I’m sorry about the husband situation. Life can be really shitty sometimes. I figure a person can hunker down and fight through the bs as long as they are able and willing, but once it takes your quality of life away…It becomes a whole different matter.

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