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The Downward Spiral of the Dumb 3: The Suckfish Rises

July 22, 2014

It’s two in the morning here in the Mitten and sleep is playing a nice little game of hide and go fuck yourself with me. Recent troubles with my dopey soon to be In-Laws have me wondering if this is the time I finally go over the edge and its making for a nervous night. They have apparently gotten it in their backwoods skulls that I am holding their daughter hostage. The whole thing is like some bizarre deleted scene out of the movie Deliverance, and so what? I’ve never suffered pedophilic hillbillys lightly and I’m not going to start now. These redneck freaks are life’s none to subtle reminder that D.C. doesn’t have a monopoly when it comes to assholes in this country. I suppose it’s no surprise that these babbling bazoos have led me back to my arch nemesis The Suckfish. For those who are new, allow me to explain. Superman has Lex Luthor, Batman has the Joker, Spider-Man has Venom, and I am stuck with the Class D villain The Suckfish. The Suckfish is a wily little bastard who takes many forms at once. In a perfect world, The Suckfish would be scooped up and locked in cages to be studied by crazed men with names like Mengele and Eichmann, the kind of names that would give Hitler an instant orgasm. Instead, The Suckfish has been given carte blanche status to run around this country making everything and everyone it comes in contact with infinitely dumber. The Suckfish is the fundy douchebag who claims that anyone who fails to believe what he believes is destined for an afterlife filled with hellfire, screaming, and pain beyond belief. The Suckfish is a walking suit in D.C that goes by the alias of Politician. In fact, there is a whole school of these dumb bastards sitting on that once lowly swamp. We have named this school Congress. At the very top of the Suckfish chart is my least favorite guise and that is King Suckfish, or as you call him, the President. This daffy fuck runs around making all sorts of declarations and promises before getting bogged down in the sewage that is everyday life in D.C effectively being rendered useless.

If we head North from D.C, we come to New York. This is where one can find the exceedingly annoying Talking Head Suckfish. You can usually find these assholes on MSNBC, CNN, and FOX NEWS, defending their Suckfish brethren in D.C. It is the job of the Talking Head Suckfish to make you feel like a dunce and a fool. After all, they are on television and you are not, therefore they are far wiser than you and ignoring their incessant jabbering is a risk too great to take. Much like their Suckfish brothers and sisters in the print business, they take pride in making you feel helpless. Speaking of the Print Suckfish, you may not realize it, but you come across these villainous fucks everytime you check out Yahoo News, Drudge Report, Washington Post, NY Times, etc… The Print Suckfish can be identified by two glaring habits. The first is the ability to write a ten thousand word piece without saying a goddamn thing. They fill their empty pieces with giant words that serve to confuse and impress at the same time while giving you absolutely no valid information at all. The second habit is by far the most annoying. If you check out any political piece from Yahoo or the Washington Post, you will come across what we call in the business “Click Bait.” This is basically a headline that actually has very little to do with the actual article. For instance, if I write a piece about King Suckfish’s economic policy knowing full well that very few will click on it if they know what it’s about, I might top it off with this headline: PRESIDENT CAUGHT FUCKING A RABBIT AS FEDERAL RESERVE RAISES INTEREST RATES. Suddenly the article seems a little bit more scandalous. Unfortunately once you click on it and the ad revenue ticker goes up a notch, it doesn’t matter what the article says, you have performed your job without even realizing it.

Moving on, we come to the last group in the bunch, The Corporate Suckfish. Yes, Wal-Mart, McDonald’s, Hobby Lobby and others get included because contrary to popular belief, Corporations are Suckfish too. Unlike your sorry ass, the Corporate Suckfish gets rights that you will never ever see, like Freedom from Religious Persecution, Freedom from Water Shutoff, and my personal favorite, Freedom from Personal Responsibility. Exxon Mobil dumps 800,000 gallons of oil into the ocean? Too bad fuckers you get to pay for the cleanup with your hard earned tax dollars while Exxon gets to put out a commercial featuring some dumb hick rinsing oil off of a duck and claiming that Exxon loves the environment too. I’d be remiss in my duties as an asshole and a Bastard if I didn’t mention Dick(less) Cheney and Haliburton. You know those guys, Cheney is the one that shot his friend in the face while quail hunting and Haliburton is the corporation that keeps invading the Middle East for oil..err…democracy. I suppose it would be completely wrongheaded to leave Nestle off this list as well. After all, the King Suckfish over there at Nestle wants you to know that water is not a right, it is a commodity meant to be sold. That’s right, the substance that makes up over 50% of the human body is not a right. Think about that for a minute and try to not let it kink your brain into a knot.

Jesus what a heavy piece to lay down at this hour. It’s been forty eight minutes since I started this trash and I’m starting to see double. Normally I’d blame it on the Johnny Walker but I passed on the bottle tonight. I figured with all the insanity my doofy soon to be In-Laws were pulling, drinking would lead me to pull a Cannonball Run on their backwoods asses. Instead, I find myself staring at this ridiculous screen and wondering what it all means. The real question is whether it really matters now. We have been stuck in this Downward spiral of the dumb for so long it has nearly become a second home. This country has been reduced to groveling on it’s knees while giving thanks for the opportunity to do so. There used to be two definite truths in this country, death and taxes. I think it’s fair to say that a third has made a case for itself. Now we have Death, Taxes, and the Inevitable Rise of the Suckfish. Try sleeping well after that knowledge punches you in the dick.

-CJ

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