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It’s Bad Luck to Get Fucked On a Tuesday

June 30, 2014

I had just graduated high school and was celebrating with some acid, Pink Floyd, and a blacklight, when my friend Andy burst through my door. Andy was a superstitious kid who not only had some weird beliefs, but also stuck to them like gum to a shoe. At any rate, one of those beliefs was this ridiculous notion that if he had sex on a Tuesday, bad things would happen. As it turns out, he had lost track of the days, and had just had banged his girlfriend. He was anxious and sweating which put me on edge. I went downstairs to get some cokes. As I was on my way back up, I heard the backdoor slam. Andy had left and taken two of my acid tabs with him. Next time I heard from him, he was in the hospital. Turns out he took the acid after he left and got hit by a car on his way home. I don’t recommend taking acid in a frenzied state. If you are not cool and calm, your mind will turn and force horrible things on you. I also don’t recommend walking around busy streets on acid either. Life gets weird enough without the threat of some two ton motorized metal beast running you down. Whats the point to this story you ask? Simple. Andy was right, It’s Bad Luck to Get Fucked on a Tuesday. Just ask any friend of Bill Clinton.

“Elections are about fucking your enemies. Winning is about fucking your friends.” – James Carville 1992

What a hideous example of political truth. Carville would know though. After all, it was his manic genius that took Clinton to the top in the 90’s. All Billy Boy did was stand up, say a few words, flash that million dollar smile, and bang anything that came within ten miles of his campaign bus. Carville was the one lopping off heads and nut punching anyone that dared get in the way. On the surface, Carville looks like a bald headed dunce. It wouldn’t be far fetched to compare him to the pedophilic crazy uncle most families try to bury deep underneath the family tree. As it turns out, Carville is a political assassin. He is not afraid to do the dirty work himself. In fact, I think he actually enjoys it.

In 1992, sitting President George H.W. Bush got cocky and full of that Bush family dumbness. He believed there wasn’t much to worry about. In a way he was right. Democrats had been pounded left and right for the last 30 years (Jimmy Carter included) and there was no indication that this Elmer Fudd from Arkansas was going to pose much of a threat. He was wrong. James Carville took every Bush family/administration weakness and violated them over and over and over again. By the time the election was over, Bush had been beaten and stomped beyond recognition,  Barbara was embarrassed and refused to show her face in public, and Dan Quayle had become the butt of every Hooked On Phonics joke ever told. Carville took no prisoners and he didn’t care if you were friend or foe. If you got in the way of victory, you were put up on the chopping block. Among those that got the axe, was Bill’s black sheep little brother Roger.

So why am I talking about a bald weasel and an election from the 90’s? Because, lost among all the other major news stories this month was a story involving James Carville. He was asked in passing if he would be involved in Hilary Clintons campaign if she runs in 2016. Carville smiled that pedophilic smile and winked. Ho ho suckfish how’s that for confidence? Given that right now the projection for 2016 is once again Clinton (Hilary) vs Bush (Jeb) I fail to see how he could pass up the opportunity to once again send the Bush family screaming into the darkness. Regardless of who wins that race, the public loses and thats not good for anyone. It is for that reason that I will once again barricade myself at home on Election Day, because as my friend Andy believed, Its bad luck to get fucked on a Tuesday, and anyone that votes on that particular Tuesday is going to get a most unwelcome fucking most likely courtesy of James Carville.

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