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The Gospel According to Dutch

June 4, 2014

 And they worshipped the dragon which gave power unto the beast: and they worshipped the beast, saying, Who [is] like unto the beast? who is able to make war with him? – Book of Revelations 13:4


Who indeed? It’s fitting that this hatchet job starts off with a quote from Revelations. After all, Dutch was a huge fan. Everywhere Reagan looked he could see the beast with 10 heads. A lot of things can be said about Dutch, but no one can ever doubt his devotion to the Book of Revelations: “Until now has there ever been a time in which so many of the prophecies are coming together? There have been times in the past when people thought the end of the world was coming, and so forth, but never anything like this.” – Reagan 1983. Ho ho suckfish how’s that for prophecy? Reagan bet his ass that the end of days was here and that we were all doomed sure as shit. Unfortunately, Reagan was about as good at prophecising as Bush Jr is at eating pretzels. Which makes the fact that the Republicans have held this guy up as their “God” for years, even more baffling. We went from Gerald Ford, who might as well have been Mister Magoo, to a guy who was just as bumbling but instead of being held accountable, his idiocy and hypocrisy was seen as charming.  So, as a public service to the three people who will read this, and the four people who will glance at the title and call me anti-American and a schmuck, I’ve decided to list the few inconvenient truths the Grand Outdated Party keeps sweeping under the rug.

1. Unions: I have my own personal thoughts on unions which I will get around to lashing together one of these days. For the sake of this particular piece though, I think it’s fair to say that Dutch was for Unions before he was against them. Wait, what? Yep. Not only was the Gipper a union member, he was also a union president. That’s right, back when Dutch was donning ten gallon hats and spurs as a “D-List” Hollywood actor, he was nominated and accepted a six term role as president of the Screen Actors Guild. During this time he oversaw/participated in the CSU strikes which brought about the first new contract agreements since 1937 and the Guild’s first three strikes (1952-53, 1955, and 1960). Pretty hypocritical from a guy that is widely viewed as Anti-Union.

2. Iran-Contra or How Oliver North Became a Hero: There are a lot of sub-plots and twists to the Iran-Contra Affair, but the basic premise is that Reagan made a deal with Iranian revolutionaries that involved sending them a ton of weapons in exchange for a few American hostages. The story was blown open by a Lebanese paper and suddenly the devil in the details reared its ugly head. Unfortunately, as is usually the case here in the States, the axe didn’t fall on Reagan or Bush Sr, it fell on an Elephant eared geek named Oliver North. During the congressional hearings softball questions were lobbed at North and instead of anyone being held accountable, he came off looking like a Hero, Reagan was untouched, and Bush Sr was able to ride Reagans coattails into the White House.

3. Gun Control: The only thing the squawking parrots on the right hold more sacred than Reagan, is the 2nd amendment. Which is pretty fucking hilarious given that Reagen was all about gun control. Sure, when Dutch was in the White House gun control was barely an issue. However, in the 90’s he STAUNCHLY supported the Brady Bill and the Assault Weapons Ban. That alone should have made the GOP rise up en masse and kick his arthritic ass into the Pacific. However, as is the usual with political parties and their saviors, its always the inconvenient shit that gets “forgotten.”

Reaganomics: The one thing Ronald Reagan is exalted for the most, is his economic policy. Some call it the Trickle Down theory, and some call it Reaganomics. I prefer this definition: “Using Newton’s Law of Gravity is a really piss poor way to practice economics.” The basics are simple. Give all the tax breaks and incentives to the rich so that they will spend all their millions of dollars. These millions of dollars will then “trickle down” to the middle class thus creating a happy economic environment for everyone. The only problem with this, is that nothing trickled down. The Super Wealthy stockpiled their money or spent it elsewhere and thirty years later the American Middle Class is pretty much extinct.

I could go on and on and elaborate quite a bit more on the above bullet points, but my single point in writing this is that while Dutch may have looked great in a cowboy hat (that’s debatable) he was a hypocrite who is held up in a near Deity-like status by a bunch of old fucks who obviously don’t remember how bad some of his hypocrisy/policies really were. So to those of you who worship this human California Raisin, let me say this unto you: People like you are the reason people like me exist.


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