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The Three Little Pigs (Updated for the 21st Century)

May 15, 2014

Once upon a time, there were 3 little pig brothers. Each pig lived in a different city and in a different style house. One day the first little pig decided to add a pool to the backyard of his little straw house. A few days later a man came knocking on the pig’s door.

“Can I help you?” said the pig.

“Yes. I am from the City Clerk’s office and I noticed you did not have a permit for that pool. If you do not cease and desist, we will have to take action.” said the man

“Kiss my bacon flavored ass.” Responded the little pig.

A few days went by and the incident was largely forgotten. However, a week later, the little pig came home from work to find that the city had demolished his home and confiscated his new pool. As he sat in his car dumbfounded, the City Clerk walked up to him and said “Why don’t YOU kiss my ass Porky.”

Having nowhere else to go, the little pig drove down to his brother’s log cabin in West Virginia. After hearing of his plight, the second pig brother decided to let his brother stay with him as long as he needed to. A few weeks later, a policeman showed up on the doorstep with accusations that pig brother #2 was running moonshine in his off time. The 2nd pig brother told the cop that even if he was it was none of the state’s business and that as long as he wasn’t hurting anyone the cops shouldn’t even be at his door. Needless to say, the police scheduled a raid for that night. Unfortunately, as is usually the case, the police botched the address to the pigs house and instead barged into the wrong house resulting in the deaths of three bears and one very frightened blonde girl. That being said, they arrested the 2nd pig the following morning in a massive show of display which resulted in the burning down of the log cabin. Once again the first little pig was out on his own.

After spending a few hours in the local tavern getting sloshed, the first little pig brother decided to drive up to New York to live with his oldest brother little pig #3, or as his mother named him, Octavius Regulus Hampingshire the IVth. By all rights, the oldest should have been a douchebag given all the teasing his name brought him, but he was an intelligent, and caring soul who passed his time as an activist speaking out against tyranny. The two brothers got along well but never saw eye to eye on the government nonsense. Be that as it may, in this case the youngest pig brother was willing to deal with it.

After three days of driving, the youngest pig brother arrived at his brothers brick house. He was surprised to find a bunch of ATF and Homeland Security agents swarming the front yard. They were sifting among the rubble of a burned out house. The Youngest Brother, understandably panicked, raced out of his car to seek answers to his brothers whereabouts. The ATF agent nearest him immediately saw a threat and put down the youngest pig with a single shot to the head even though said pig was unarmed.

“Great shooting Tex!” yelled the man’s supervisor.

Meanwhile over by the house, two agents were lifting up the charred remains of the oldest pig.

“Looks like the drone got him.” Said one

“Sure does.” said the other

“Goddamn activists…” Muttered the agent in charge

-The End.


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