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The Summer of Love: A Bastards Dating Guide

May 12, 2014

Recently, I’ve been seeing quite a few posts from some of my anarchist brothers and sisters who are having issues in the dating world. I get it, being an anarchist is something that a lot of people don’t understand and their misconception can lead to fear and the idea that you are actually batshit crazy and more or less the real life version of Skeletor. At this point the person you are wooing may either walk away or try to set you on fire. Trust me, I know. I dated a chick once who was so freaked out by my anarchism, that she fucked a guy from Blackwater because he convinced her that I was an enemy of the state (cause Blackwater isnt?) At any rate, I’ve decided to put this little “guide” together in the hopes that maybe it’ll get you through the summer without too much heartache.

1.  Don’t Use Anarchy As Your Lead Off: I talked to a guy who was having some serious issues in the female department. Turns out whenever a girl showed interest, he’d immediately say “Just so you know, I’m an Anarchist.” This of course left the girl kind of confused and a tad creeped out. The only time you pull out the “Just so you know…” card right off the bat is if you are gay, have an std, or have a mask wearing serial killer in the family. I have found that it’s best to let the conversation dictate things. Honestly, on a first date, I NEVER start off with politics or religion unless the woman I’m with inquires first. I find it helps a lot if they get to know you a bit so that when the anarchy monster comes roaring out of the closet, they aren’t terrified of it.

2. Beware the Blind Date: I had a friend that set me up on a blind date with a deaf girl (I know, I know, it practically writes itself) who unbeknownst to me, honked like a goose whenever she talked. It wasn’t her fault obviously but I went into this thing not knowing this specific piece of information. Given my personality, and my demented imagination, this was a recipe for disaster. Long story short, I met the girl at the restaurant we were going to eat at, she introduced herself which nearly left me laughing in her face (remember I didnt know about the honk) so we sit down and about five minutes in I look at her, and because I’m a dick, I picture a goose head on her body. So of course this breaks me and I start laughing. Of course she got mad, but it would have been fine if she had just given me the dirty look. It’s when she started to yell that I really lost it. It was like being yelled at by a foghorn. Needless to say the entire night was a giant 20 minute disaster. She was pissed at my friend and at me (rightfully so) and I was pissed at my friend for withholding information about the girl he was setting me up with. I went on another blind date about four years ago because I apparently didn’t learn from my first experience, and it went about as well as the first one. I guess what I’m getting at, is that blind dates are sketchy from the very beginning. I’ve yet to hear of a blind date that led to a 2nd so just something to think about this summer.

3. Don’t Be Militant: Most people we run into on a daily basis, participate in the voting system. They are either Democrats, Republicans, or the always hilarious Independents. If, when talking to a guy/girl you are attracted to, it comes out that he/she voted for Obama or Romney, don’t pull the “Voting is for idiots” card. You have to remember that most people don’t understand or see things the way we do. Immediately jumping on them for that is the quickest way of solidifying your place as the “asshole at the bar” in the story he/she tells his/her friends the next day. Remember, you are there to connect with someone not tell them what a dumbass they are. If, on the other hand, Statists are a massive turn off for you, then end the conversation politely and look elsewhere.

4. Ignore This Entire Post: Why in the fuck would you ever take dating advice from me? I’m the guy that laughed at a deaf girl, had his dinner eaten by a 500 pound shoe saleswoman while he was in the bathroom (the other blind date), had a girlfriend runaway to another state, and even led one to become a lesbian. Seriously don’t listen to me on this topic at all. You are anarchists, you’ve survived living in a world full of half-wit snail dicks, I’m sure you can survive talking to the hot redhead at the bar. Good luck my friends, if you’re anything like me, you are going to need it.




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