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Updated Nursery Rhymes for the 21st Century

May 1, 2014

I found a book of nursery rhymes the other day that I used to love reading as a kid. It got me thinking about how much storytelling and indeed, our culture, has changed in the last 34 years. So, I took it upon myself to re-write a few of these rhymes so the upcoming generations have no problem blending into society.

1. Jack and Jill: Jack and Jill went up a hill to fetch a pail of water. However, when they got back home, the feds were standing outside their house with guns drawn. As it turns out, they had drawn water from an “unapproved” well and in the process had broken about 50 federal laws. When Jack raised his hands to surrender, they tasered him multiple times before declaring him a terrorist and locking him away forever.

2.  Jack Horner: Little Jack Horner sat in the corner because his teacher thought that his daydreaming was indicative of severe mental illness and decided that he was a threat to the other students in the class.

3. Old Mother Hubbard:  Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard

                                             To get her dog a GMO bone

                                              After eating it Rover keeled over

                                             Now she’s back to living alone

Jack Sprat: Jack Sprat could eat no part because GMO’s and Chemtrails had caused him to get stage four cancer leaving him unable to eat much of anything.

Humpty Dumpty: Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall…which was in violation of city ordinance #3546 and punishable by a $1.000 fine and up to a month in jail.   

Jack Be Nimble: Jack be nimble Jack be quick…just not too quick or you will be pulled over, ticketed, possibly searched and beaten.   

Mary Had A Little Lamb: Mary had a little lamb its fleece was white as snow. Unfortunately it grazed on Federal land so not only was it confiscated and killed, Mary was fined $100,000 and placed on a terrorist watch list.

Little Miss Muffett: Little Miss Muffett sat in a tuffet..which was deemed a terrorist activity leading to the eventual drone bombing of her house.

Ten Little Indians: Ten Little Indians went out to play…where they were rounded up, stuck on reservations, and forced to watch as their traditions were laughed at and turned into Baseball mascots.

I Love Little Pussy: Huh. Mother Goose was a pedo..who knew?






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