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The Solution to Baseball, Steroids, and Political Corruption

August 5, 2013

In honor of the 12-14 suspensions that are going to be handed down by Major League Baseball today for the use of steroids, I have decided to take the issues of baseball, steroids, and political correctness, and solve them all at the same time. It’s really a no brainer to be honest. Lets face it, Politicians and Athletes who face minor fines for corruption/cheating aren’t going to be deterred until the punishment is so horrid, that the very threat of being caught keeps incidents from taking place. Here is my 3 step program for ridding baseball and politics of corruption and cheating.

1. Random Testing/Investigation: Right now MLB already has a random testing procedure in place. I am okay with how it works I don’t see the need to change it. On the other hand, politicians run around unchecked causing all sorts of mayhem with no checks to keep them in line. Therefore, since they are perfectly fine with using the NSA to spy on us, I say we use the NSA to spy on them. Bug their offices, read their emails, that sort of thing. After all, its not anything thats not already being done to the public. This way, we can keep an eye on where the money is going and who is involved. Once the random drug tests/wiretaps have drawn out the guilty parties you take note and set them aside until late October/November. Why? Well…that would bring us to step #2

2. Plea Bargains: Each party will have 24 hours to accept a plea deal that will let them off without public punishment. For instance, in the case of a Baseball player, his plea deal would include a lifetime ban from the game of baseball, a $1,000,000 fine which would be given back to the fans that have attended games that year or in the case of dickheads like A-Rod, 1/3rd of their salary. On the political front, it would include a lifetime ban from ALL fields/jobs relating to politics including office, advisor positions, and campaign workers. It would also require that the guilty party pay back DOUBLE the amount he/she had taken which goes directly to their constituents. It would also require a ban on leaving the country so that they can’t skip elsewhere and fuck up somebody else’s district/city/state. I realize this sounds harsh but when compared to the alternative I think its pretty lenient. Whats the Alternative? Glad you asked..

3. Punishment: In the case that the parties decide to turn down a plea bargain, they will then be subjected to punishment. The punishment will take place during the World Series/Election Day. In the case of baseball players who choose not to plea bargain, a handful at a time will be taken out onto the field in between innings at the World Series. Once there they will reach into a fish bowl and draw out a slip of paper. Each slip of paper contains either a Suspension length (starting at 1 year and going up to 10 years) or a form of execution. Now, by execution, I dont mean firing squad or lethal injection, I’m talking fucking beheadings and crucifixions. Not for nothing, but I would absolutely tune into a baseball game if there was a 50/50 chance I’d see A-Rod get boiled in oil. Now, as far as the politicians are concerned they get it a little bit worse because they took the public trust and fucked it in the ass like it was a cheap Reno hooker. On Election Day, each guilty Pol will be paraded out in front of the public at the biggest voting place in his/her home city. Just like the athlete, the politician will draw out a slip of paper. It will either have jail time amounts (starting at 5 years and going up to 50 years) or a form of execution. I’m not talking white collar resort jail either, I’m talking Big Bubba using you as a love sponge in general population type jail. In addition to getting rid of a scumbag politician either through jail or death, it will also be a not too subtle reminder to the public that most of the people they vote for are sociopathic lunatics anyway, and that the two party system is broken and fraudulent.

In closing, the only reason I wrote this, is due to a dream I had last night in which Nancy Pelosi, John Boehner, and A-Rod were all found guilty of crimes against intelligence and were each strapped into a catapult and launched into a brick wall. This may just be a comedic/sarcastic post, but the thought of it puts a smile on my face. In the words of Ron Burgundy: “You stay classy America.”

-CJ

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