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The Wrath of the Dumpling King

April 5, 2013

When I was a kid, I used to keep the light on in my closet when I went to bed. I had this horrible fear that if I didn’t, the Boogeyman would emerge from the depths of the darkness while I was sleeping, and devour my soul. As I got older, I realized that the Boogeyman was just a product of my own imagination, and that I was in essence, scaring myself stupid for nothing. That being said, last week I learned that what I thought was nothing more than a myth, is actually a reality. That’s right, the Boogeyman is alive and well in America. He comes in the form of a dumpling shaped North Korean Dictator named Kim Jong Un. For the last three weeks Kim Jong Un has threatened to roast, toast, and otherwise obliterate, the United States of America. This is nothing new for North Korea. For the past 50 years the Kim Jongs have threatened everything from war with South Korea to the eradication of America. Yet, for some reason, the news media is losing its shit over this year’s annual threat. Every news channel you turn to has the words NORTH KOREAN CRISIS blasted on the bottom of the screen. This time around, I’m also hearing intelligent Americans admitting fear over this round of crap. Apparently when Kim Jong Un’s Madeline Albright look alike father was making these threats it was no big deal. According to the news, The Dumpling King is unpredictable and there isn’t much known about him. This makes him completely dangerous. The fact that we could send in the entire state of Rhode Island and own North Korea in just a few hours keeps getting lost on people.

But Snarky, it could start a war! Great, that’s what we here in America thrive at. Some countries excel at exporting, other countries excel in finance, America thrives in blowing shit up. Its what we do. This country has existed for about 237 years and most of that time has been spent in one war or another. Its who we are. When someone gets uppity it is our “job” to bring Democracy to their doorstep by bombing them back to the Stone Age. People have been getting fed up over the decades long judo match we have waged in the Middle East. Time to get them fearful of another opponent. I mean seriously, having North Korea threaten to nuke us into extinction is almost a rite of spring. Its also like having a midget threaten to carry you up a volcano on his back in order to sacrifice you to LULU the Volcano Goddess of Sodomy. When it happens, you give a little laugh, roll your eyes, and get back to banging your neighbors wife. It’s hardly worth getting bent over and it sure as hell isn’t worth CNN devoting an entire day to the “Worst Possible Scenario.” You know what the worst possible scenario is? The Dumpling King loses weight thus forcing me to find a new way to make fun of him.

This is how North Korea works, they practice the long tradition of extortion by extremism. They get all uppity and threaten to destroy the world, then offer to back down in exchange for money, food, and supplies. They have been doing this for years and to their credit they have turned it into quite an entertaining art form.  Its all a game of smoke and mirrors. North Korea isn’t going to nuke us, they aren’t going to storm the San Diego coastline and run rampant over America, and they sure as hell aren’t going to risk losing China’s support.

My advice to you is this. The next time you see The Dumpling King on TV, picture him dressed as Cartman from South Park and yelling “YOU WILL RESPECT MY AUTHORITAH!” Trust me, you will feel better, and you will sleep better. Most importantly, you will be able to turn off the light in your closet. You’re welcome.


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