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Reflections With The Rev: Part 1

March 11, 2013

[Editors Note: I first encountered Reverend Footpenis T. Thunderdome outside a local liquor store six years ago. He was waving a bottle of Johnny Walker Black in the air and babbling something about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse being attention whores. He claimed to have been given foresight into Heaven and was duty bound by God to be ordained. According to him, his ordination came after a few innocent practical joke letters suddenly and with full malice, turned on him. He was ordained by a fat little Stadium preacher in Texas via conference video call. He is legally ordained in 26 states. I had forgotten all about the good Reverend until two nights ago, when he showed up at my door gibbering about a dream he had in which an Asian Carp spoke to him and told him to become a Bastard. Given his religious nature, he immediately took the carp to be the voice of God. Personally, I think it was an acid flashback, but hey, who am I to judge? So it is with great apprehension and concern, that I bring you the Reverends weekly column: Reflections with the Rev]

 

 Reflections with the Rev:

 

Brothers and Sisters it is a good day to come together in the name of Holy badassery! Today I’d like to start off my introductory article with Dinosaurs, Guns, and the Pope. Although, first of all, I’m going to introduce myself. I was ordained by a Stadium preacher down in Austin, Texas after writing 3 sarcastic letters claiming to want to follow in his footsteps and constantly mentioning a fetish for fat young Mexican boys. I expected a cease and desist letter from his peeps, but instead I got an offer to be ordained via video conference in front of his 8,000 daffy followers. It was an offer I couldn’t refuse. So I was ordained. Here I was, a hater of all things Organized Religion, and I was now a legal (in 26 states) minister. I did nothing with it other than use it as a good drinking story until now. There are a lot of people that claim to speak for Jesus and all they do is cause more harm. I am not much of a Christian, but I do know that Jesus was a revolutionary. I know that he was more voluntaryist than socialist, and I also know that people who speak for him, more than likely never studied anything he said. So, I decided to throw on the proverbial collar and become a Bastard. I will use humor to discredit those who do harm in the name of Religion. Be it Westboro Baptist, the Vatican, or your Fundamentalist next door neighbor. Don’t forget, when it comes to these fools, those who know the least, speak the most.

  I mentioned dinosaurs earlier, because I was ordained by a fat little fuck down in Austin Texas,who was of the belief that the world is only 10,000 years old and that man and dinosaur coexisted. Look, there is a lot of stuff in the bible, but after having gone over it with a fine tooth comb, I can assure you there is NOTHING in there about Jesus riding into Jerusalem on the back of a Velociraptor. At that point you might as well say that he rode into Jerusalem behind the wheel of a 1968 Chevy El Camino. Science has always been deemed the Devil by those in religious power. It contradicts what they tell the flock and they don’t like that. There is a Cardinal in the Vatican who said that “God didn’t give man science in order to just discredit it.” He is one of the few there that have a good train of thought. Or, I could be wrong and the Dinosaurs just overslept when Noah and his Ark set sail.

 Now that we have that out of the way, let’s talk guns. I hear all the time that guns are evil and should be banned. One group, they shall remain nameless, think guns are a tool of the devil. That’s right, the handiwork of Satan himself. This coming from a bunch of baboons that picket funerals for no apparent reason. I tell you right now brothers and sisters, as God is my holy witness, I have never seen a gun get up and kill someone. Lord knows, I tried to tempt it. I put it on my table and threatened it, made fun of its family, even threatened to perform an exorcism that would send it back to Hell. After hours of provocation, it continued to sit there, unemotional and unmoving. My theory after that night is this, guns don’t kill people, assholes kill people. You would know the truth of this if you were ever confined in a tight space with our flatulent Bishop. At any rate, I believe guns should be used to defend against those who would threaten your life. If God is ok with using the 7 Plagues to smack up the Egyptians, I’m pretty sure he’d be ok with you using a 9mm to take out a guy threatening to kill you. If you don’t like guns, I suppose you could always throw locusts at them. It worked for Moses.

 Speaking of Locusts, I hear that preparations are under way to elect a new pope. Given that the Vatican is a hypocritical machine of pedophilia and violence, I’m surprised they havent resorted to either of those in their search for a new pope. Personally if it were up to me, I’d hold a Pope Deathmatch tournament to crown the new pope. Divide the 8 candidates into brackets, make them fight to the death in St Peter Square, and the last one standing becomes the next Holy Pain In The Ass. Now I’m not a reverend given to violent thoughts, but there are some extenuating circumstances (like Pope Elections) where I think it would be quite fitting. I suppose if you are a traditionalist though you could just send an Old Testament sacrifice to the Lord and let Him choose. In lieu of a ram, you can just use the last pope. By the way, that whole white smoke thing is nonsense. That doesn’t signify a new pope, it signifies that a bunch of old white men, have gotten tired of the debate, and turned to the heavenly Ganj.

 That’s it for now my friends, until next time, if you aint prayin’ you aint playin.

 -The Rev

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