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Spring Cleaning Time in the “D”

March 5, 2013

Last month, a bunch of half wit, dickbrained, reporters showed up at the doorstep of one Punxsutawney Phil. For those of you that don’t know, Phil is a groundhog. Once a year, these geeks gather in his little town in Pennsylvania to see his spring predictions. According to folklore, if Phil sees his shadow we are all in for another six weeks of winter. If, on the other hand, he doesn’t see his shadow, well, spring will come early. This year Phil didn’t see his shadow signifying the coming of an early spring. Given the dire 3-5 inches of snow predicted for today all I can say is that Phil is just as accurate as his human counterpart: the Weatherman. Pretty sure by now you’re wondering why I’m talking about groundhogs and spring. Mainly because spring brings another tradition with it. That’s right, the dreaded Spring Cleaning. Most people dread going into the garage, cleaning it out, and packing away all their winter crap. Some procrastinate, some do it early, and some give it a giant middle finger and tell it to go fuck itself (this would be my version of spring cleaning). For the citizens of the great depopulated city of Detroit, spring cleaning needs to take on a different meaning. Why? Allow me to explain..

The City of Detroit used to have almost 2 million people back in 2008. It has now just over 700,000. When the economic crisis hit the automotive industry, Detroit sank. Whole city blocks became abandoned, once thriving factories sit hunkered down in the shadows, abandoned and forgotten. The people of Detroit looked for help from their City Council. They sought out assurance that things would be ok, that somehow, someway, this great city would find its place in the world again. All they got for their efforts, was a city council that became so inept, so corrupt, and so mind numbingly stupid, that the last hope for this city comes in the form of an Emergency Financial Manager appointed by the Governor. The people of Detroit are furious. They want to know why the state is stepping into their affairs. They are calling out for heads to roll. it’s the perfect amount of rage and desperation needed to bring change about. Unfortunately, its aimed in the wrong direction. This is not the governors fault. This is the fault of 9 court jesters who are nothing more than entertainment for the equally laughable mayor. Which brings us to the matter at hand…

City buses are a train wreck, Detroit public schools are SO BAD, that they offered free laptops to any student that walked through the door. The money situation is so bad in Detroit, they cant even pay their electric bills. There are sections of the city that have had the street lights turned OFF in order to save money. The EMS system in Detroit is little more than a joke, same with the Police situation. As for the fire department, they recently had a red carpet event at the Fox Theater for the release of a documentary about said fire department. Yes, this is the same fire department that held citywide layoffs not a few months before. This same fire department also had the bright idea of turning itself into a tourist attraction. For a certain amount of money, fire fighters from different countries can come to Detroit and fight fires alongside the Detroit fire department. Recently, three men from Belgium decided to do just that. During that stint, one of the men fell through the floor during an attempted rescue and ended up in the hospital. Guess he didn’t read the part about the experience not including health insurance. Even after all this, Mayor McCheese and his roundtable of 9 doofy knights still couldn’t agree on any budgetary matters.

Governor Snyder recently gave the Doofy Knights of Detroit a proposal that would allow Belle Isle to become a State Park. In return, Detroit would have been freed from the shackles of a 6.2 million dollar annual operating cost. The plan also called for the park to hire Detroiters once it was up and running. Again, a city with massive unemployment was given an opportunity to lower that unemployment number. The city council led by a daffy half wit declined the offer on the grounds that the State was just trying to take over Detroit. Yes, they really are that stupid. The city council also had a proposal from an urban farming group that would allow the group to buy 3 acres of abandoned land in Detroit for above value cost with the goal of setting up America’s largest urban farming community to help feed the homeless and the citizens of Detroit. So, being the wise leaders that they are, the city council instead sold it to some fish hack for BELOW value cost so that he can plant 3 acres worth of fucking Pine Trees. Apparently beautifying Detroit is more important than feeding it. And so, we find ourselves here. An Emergency Financial Manager is expected to be appointed any day now, the city council wants to sue the state to stop the appointment, and Mayor McCheese still looks as lost as ever.

My advice to you Detroit, is to take Spring Cleaning to a whole new level. Crowd city hall and refuse to leave until these half wit, corrupt, tadpoles step down. If you truly are mad, and you truly want change, then TAKE YOUR GODDAMN CITY BACK! Stop waiting for these losers to make horrible decisions for you. Charles Pugh wants to put out a workout DVD. Great, this is the perfect time for you people to give him a helping hand. Throw his ass out of city hall so that he can get on with his dream, because obviously helping Detroit was never part of his plan. Stop waiting for other people to save you, because no one is coming. Your calls fall on deaf ears. It is up to you to save your city. If you don’t then you have no business pointing the finger at anyone but yourself.

-CJ

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