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The Tragic Tale Of The American Jackass: A Modern Romeo and Juliet Story

February 28, 2013

Winter is a brutal time here in the mitten state. Not because of the snow or cold, we are used to both around here, but because of the drivers. It seems that people suddenly turn into literal jackasses all over the roadways. Swerving and hee-hawing through traffic, and clipping whatever poor bastard has the misfortune to be in front of them at a red light. That’s just when flurries hit. When Mother Nature goes full bitch fit, these sorry bastards end ass side up in ditches. Its something I’ve always marveled at. Here are people who claim to be intelligent beings, and yet they find the idea of driving 75 in the middle of a blizzard to be a good one. Unfortunately there are so many of these freaks around that when one of them dies 800 more pop up. How do I know this? Because the United States has a population of around 300 Million people. Believe me Jack, if 300 million people in this country were intelligent, Wal Mart would be a roadside hot dog stand. Which brings me to today’s subject: The American Jackass.

The story of the American Jackass really is a sad tale. In fact, one could almost say its Shakespearean in its makeup. A long time ago, Government (we shall call it Juliet) was small. Congress met once a year, and its duties were few. Man (we shall call him Romeo) was hard working, thought for himself, did for himself, and provided for his family. Romeo liked this little arrangement, because he could live his life the way he wanted to live it without interference. He was responsible for his actions and the consequences that took place because of them. He was happy, and his family was happy. As the years went by Juliet started to gain more power. Laws and regulations were created. Juliet claimed that this was in the best interest of the land. Romeo disagreed and got angry. However, as more laws and regulations were created, Romeo realized that he didn’t have to work so hard, that Juliet would take care of him. He quickly fell head over heels in love with Juliet and demanded more and more laws and tougher regulations that would allow him to sit back while Juliet provided for him. He stopped thinking for himself because Juliet knew what was best for him. He stopped working so hard because Juliet would reward him for slacking off. He even stopped caring as much for his kids as Juliet would not only educate them, but feed them as well. For Romeo, life was really quite good.

Then one day, Romeo woke up to realize that his slacking off and his dependence on Juliet to provide for him, left Juliet in a deep hole. He demanded that Juliet get her priorities right. So, Juliet did the only thing she felt she could do; she started weening him off his benefits. Romeo became incensed and demanded more of Juliet while at the same time demanding that she stop spending herself into oblivion. So Juliet started spending more and more on Romeo. He fell in love with her again and all was well with the world. Romeo was happy and Juliet was happy. He had his benefits and Juliet had a dependent. It was then, that darkness fell upon the land. The housing market crashed leaving Romeo and his family homeless. A new healthcare plan had been installed which allowed Romeo to have health insurance, but it angered his neighbors because they had to pay for it. He became an outcast and a degenerate. His kids were failing in schools that were poorly staffed with overworked, under educated teachers. Romeo decided that enough was enough. One night he bought a pint of vodka with the last remaining food stamps he had. He downed it in one gulp and promptly walked in front of a deficient city bus. It should have killed him on the spot but it didn’t. Instead it left him crippled and broken. He would never work another day in his life. Juliet supported him and they ended up together for the rest of his life.

Depressing no? That’s the future of the American Jackass. He sits around thinking the government will provide for him the rest of his life. When disaster strikes and the government aid goes away, the Jackass is left with nothing. He refused to prepare for any sort of emergency (financial or otherwise) he refused to do things on his own, and thus ended up a dependent til the very end. The government is an uncaring beast that buys your love with money, aid, benefits, and a false sense of security. Its easy to fall in love with her, but by the time you realize it’s a bad idea, you are in too deep. Government is there to trap you and keep you beneath its thumb. Instead of relying on it, get together with the people in your community and work towards a better future with them. Its your future, its time to start acting like it before you become just another American Jackass


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