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So You Want to Trivialize Rape…

February 6, 2013

After a going in and out of trauma counseling, about this and other childhood sexual assaults,this was a way to get my feelings out. I still struggle with guilt,shame,and anger about this. And about being a victim. It had been conditioned in me,that violence equals love. And that I had no ability to stand up to people who want to hurt you,that I somehow deserve to be hurt. Being date raped, was a non issue to me at the time, and  it wasn’t even on my radar that something like that existed. But with groups like RAINN and building up my own self esteem,I know know that this is what it was. The recent comments by politicians,that women somehow “deserve” this,is simply sickening,and shows how off base our culture really is. The fact that rape is glorified is wrongheaded and evil.

I stand here blood dripping down thighs

Throat bruised from your hands

Still believing the lie

That you love me

 

I stand here face stinging

From the slap, fat lip rising

Because you “like it rough”

And this is normal for you

 

I stand here, swallowing

The bile that rises up

Fending off a panic attack

Still believing you didn’t mean

To hurt me

 

It didn’t dawn on me

For months afterward

That this was not okay

Not love or affection

 

I was so desperate to believe

That this “perfect” man

Would rescue me

From my imperfect past

 

After all it’s not like

Rape or Abuse

Was something new

To either of us

 

In the months

And years since

I have struggled with acceptance

And forgiveness

 

And I realized

That I was never broken

Beyond repair

And it was

NOT MY FAULT

 

And love, it doesn’t hurt

Not like this, and I didn’t

Need to be rescued

By anyone BUT ME

 

Please see Stacy Ann Chin’s video,”Not My Fault”she says it better than I ever could. “http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HUbgoU1F-l0”

-Shannon Dechen

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